i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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