Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
