life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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