Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
