Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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