Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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