I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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