The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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