I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
