at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
