LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
