Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
