I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
