so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
