Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
