You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
