Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
