I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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