when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
