I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
