Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
