i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
