I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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