Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
