Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
