So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
