the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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