Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
