Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
