so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
