So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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