i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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