sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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