I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
