my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
