Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize