someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
