brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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