Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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