remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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