We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize