She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It was confusing and full of hummus
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
