While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize