all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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