I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
