The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
