she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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