I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
