Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
