doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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