How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
