The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
