Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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