You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
