Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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