True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize