the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
