And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
