Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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