that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
