alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
