I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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