I wish I could teleport
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
