fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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